THEY SAY that no one who lived through the '60s will ever forget where they were the day President Kennedy was assassinated.

This may be true. That no one - but no one - can erase the memory of the first time they met Ross Halfin from their mind is, however, an indisputable fact. I saw Ross' penis before I spoke to him. He'd surreptitiously placed it on the shoulder of a formidable young lady in the Kerrang! office, while she carried on a phone conversation in blissful igNorahnce. When she finally noticed the shrivelled member at 9 o'clock to her chin, the scream that followed levelled several small buildings in the Central London area. It also pretty much summed up the Ross Halfin effect.

Terrifyingly, I have now worked with Ross for the best part of a decade. In that time, he has aged me beyond my years and tested my patience to its limits. He is the sole reason I have an ansaphone at home and never, ever take calls without first vetting them (he called at 10pm one New Year's Day to froth and moan about the route Quantas wanted to take him on to Australia... The implication being that I should get them to change all their flight-plans for him). He once wrote "Going bald" under the Distinguishing Features section in my passport, which has subsequently led to numerous unpleasant encounters at immigration desks around the world.

He continued to call me "Junior" long after I'd entered my 30s and has repeatedly kept me up to date with his masturbation schedule. He is rude, obnoxious, often wholly unreasonable and frequently a king-size pain in the arse. He is, in short, a thoroughly nasty little man. He's also - although he goes to great lenghts to obscure it - generous to a fault and wickedly good company. And you'd bet your life on The Orange Goblin (as we like to call him) getting THE SHOT, each and every time.

It's for these reasons that working with Ross Halfin has been - besides a ceaseless test of endurance - great, great fun. I may have wanted to kill him more times than I can count. He may make everything at least twice as difficult as it needs to be. But I wouldn't have him any other way...

EDITOR, Q Magazine.
October 16, 2002

Some thoughts

A Human Being

The Agony and the Ecstasy

A note from Daniel

The Secret of His Success


More Miscellany


The Master

Random Thoughts

Nasty Little Man

Words of Wisdom



Lunch with Cheesy

A message from Lucifer

A message from Scarlet